Photograph by Timothy Allen

Going to church in the past, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about people, they disappoint. Yes, the old and very much overused saying that nobody is perfect comes into mind. It sowed a seed in my mind, and through the days,weeks and months, that seed developed. And the belief that no one in the world does anything for anyone else out of their ‘pure kindness’.

Everyone does something that will benefit themselves. And everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.

Which is true, really. Even the kindest people on earth, like disaster relief and volunteer workers. They love the noble feeling they get in the course of their work, nothing wrong with that really, money can’t buy that. Or maybe it can, how about a donation?

This idea, that everyone is selfish one way or another (which is true if you think about it ), gets depressing sometimes. And sometimes you lose faith in humanity (which i think is far overrated), and you lose hope in nuturing relationships with anyone for the matter. You no longer have the drive to meet new people and find out who they are, connect with them. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.

You start classifying people, putting them in lists you made up, analyzing and assuming away, thinking you know them inside out after five minutes of cliche chatter, thinking you’ve got all the answers, yet some part of you tries to decieve yourself into thinking you’re filled with humility, that there are so many things out there that you don’t know, so much to learn and so little time, but we all know that’s a lie we wake up to everyday.

And how many other lies do we wake up to everyday? We sleep with the truth at night (that’s the only way one gets real sleep, if you ask me ), and we wake up to lies. Some say truth begins from lies, and lies are spawned from truth and everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.

So if good intent uncovers itself to be ulterior motives, whether subconscious or not (yes most still believe they are noble, humble and totally selfless, how arrogant! ), where does real, good intentions come in? When there is love? obligation? Commitment? Discipline?

The only way to wake up everyday, is to embrace every side of humanity, which is, yes, very much overrated.

But emotions are part of being human, and put emotions in and things get complicated. Very, very complicated. The things we’re emotionally invested in, they define us, they make us predictable, easily exploited. Well, i guess there are also some positives to that idea.

Maybe that’s where the saying that ‘love is selfish’ comes in. You only love the other person, because the other person makes you feel ‘loved’, which is the awesome feeling inside which you really don’t want to lose. Oh humanity humanity, where art thou.